So you would think that after 32 years I would forget about my childhood, pain, or even trauma. I thought that time would heal all things and I would be ok one day. After two kids, taking care of my family, keeping my mind busy, and owning several businesses I thought that I’d forget it soon. But the sad reality is, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I’ve just learned how to bury the situation deep down in my heart. I’ve always imagined that maybe I was just too sensitive or maybe even over-reacting. After kids and a family, working, running a business and all these years it doesn’t go away. In fact now that I’m older it’s harder. My emotions and how I function play a role in what happens in a day by day basis, and what I noticed is that my emotions are connected to how I feel.
For many years I’ve put everyone around me first, my family, my boys, my business, just everything else so that I could to keep busy. Little did I know that this was going to backfire on me. It started with weight-gain, then anxiety, depression, physical sickness, and then I would have days where I was in bed and couldn’t move. Luckily I had my partner who was and is still very supportive and helped me and my family during this time. It was an unending cycle, one that I didn’t dare tell anyone for being ashamed and it was something that I wasn’t proud of. I didn’t know what was happening, or why I was even doing the things I was doing.
My personal life was being affected, and worst of all my health was at stake. I got pneumonia, anxiety, and kept getting sick countlessly within this past year and forced me to close my business my dream job. After being at home and alone with my thoughts I’ve done quite a bit of soul searching. Going away by my myself for a few days to finally think about all my thoughts. I was able to have the emotions in my heart surface and finally have a voice. I needed to acknowledge the abuse that happened to me. I didn’t need to accept what happened to me was right. I needed to face this. After all these years 37 years later I’m finally learning that my abuse is the reason I’m feeling the way I was feeling. I shouldn’t be ashamed of something that I didn’t have control of. I shouldn’t be ashamed of the abuse that happened to me.
I’ve just learned from experience that not every person you meet have the best intention for you, there are people around you, sometimes even the closest ones that are not who they seem they are. They say things and do things differently around their family and in front of other people, living like a double life. I’ve also learned that shouldn’t change who I am. This situation, the abuse, and abuser or people involved shouldn’t change what I think about myself and how I treat or love myself. It is my body, my mind and it only matters what I think and no one else. I am in control and once I acknowledged this to myself the pain, abuse and trauma that occurred to me at a young age. I was able to finally gain my power and ultimately my voice. This doesn’t mean that the abuse or trauma that happened to me as a child was ok and everything will be fine. In fact everyday is a work in progress. This self-talk was my very first step to Self-Love. This was a very personal post and hope that this helps someone who has had a very difficult past or traumatic event happen.
Until next time Dream Catchers don’t let situations harden your heart and cause you to be someone you are not. Love Yourself first and give yourself a chance to have a conversation daily with what is bothering you!
As Always Remember to Be Kind to Yourself and to Be Kind to One Another!!